Summary
‘Dyscalculia isn’t just ‘counting badly’ as Latin root suggests, it’s way more than that.’
Maths. It’s only a word, right? Not for me. Not for an estimated 6% of the UK population.
When people mention ‘maths’ they probably think about learning about Pythagoras theorem or maybe simultaneous equations. They don’t get sweaty at the thought of looking at bus times, they don’t get overwhelmed when food shopping, and they definitely don’t fumble with coins when just grabbing some bits from the corner shop. That’s all maths. But you probably didn’t think of it like that, did you?
Maths is everywhere and it’s woven into everyday life, in ways you might not even notice.
So, when I think of maths, what do I think?
Well firstly, I feel panic.
It’s like something I can’t control, it feels like a knee-jerk reaction. Though I try to have a positive mindset, I can’t help but remember struggling for years in the classroom. Copying off the other children. Feeling totally lost in maths lessons. Crying with frustration at why I just couldn’t get things people could.
I can’t help but feel like this feeling ‘of you can’t do it’ is stuck to me like glue.
I was diagnosed with something called dyscalculia when I was just eight years old. I didn’t notice where I struggled in primary school as much. But then when I went to secondary school, dyscalculia seemed to show up everywhere. I started to dread maths. Butterflies during maths lessons would become more frequent. Sweaty palms, copying off everyone else and watching the teacher to see when they’d start asking questions, so I could run off to the toilets and not get the question wrong.
As I got older, the maths just got harder, and I started to really dislike school. The more intense schoolwork, the more subjects to balance, and then there were the GCSE talks.
The “these are the most important exams of your life,” talks.
That was drilled into me and by 14, I was so convinced that I would fail most subjects. Anything associated with maths was a no-go. I didn’t even choose GCSE geography because there was map reading, and I really struggle with map reading (yes, that’s a maths skill!). I started to dislike physics and chemistry and maths seemed to seep through into almost every subject, and my once well contained fear was now everywhere. Even my favourite, English. Because as I started to write longer essays, my time management would need to be better. But I couldn’t ever time it right.
Even on sports days. I really liked running the 800m race. Because I didn’t understand pacing, I’d run too fast in the first lap, and trail behind for the rest of the race.
I often joke and say being 15 is the worst age. Deep into adolescence, feeling misunderstood – and then out of nowhere, a global pandemic.
Cue poor communication from the government surrounding exams, I just felt totally, utterly clueless.
Were the exams I had done in Year 10 going to be my real grades?
That’s not fair, I didn’t know they were my last chance! I still had so much more improvement to make if I was going to pass, and everyday I’d wonder if my teachers saw me trying on Teams maths lessons.
Did they notice I was completing maths homework?
Did they see how hard I was working?
Did they think I deserved to pass?
Did they think I even could pass?
If I’m being honest I don’t know how I passed. Maybe it was the endless stream of past papers. The Friday night tutoring? My teacher feeling generous?
I don’t remember feeling confident in any topic in maths. Especially not plans and elevations. I remember trying again and again. Each time slowly – painfully – getting closer to the grade boundary to pass.
When I did pass, I didn’t feel elated like I probably should have. I felt apathetic.
Why did I have to go through all that? Why is the system built like this?
That’s why I wanted to make a change. Because to get a GCSE in maths didn’t magically fix things. It was a box ticked, but it didn’t give me the skills I actually needed for life.
Nowadays, I’m at university, doing a course I really love. Dyscalculia is there behind the scenes, causing havoc in my linguistic module (patterns, rules, sequences, symbols) but I’ve learnt strategies so it doesn’t stop me from doing well. It’s there when I travel and I factor extra ‘orientation’ time, in case I walk the wrong way and Google maps just confuses me!
People don’t realise the cracks in self-esteem, the negative self-talk and the overall hatred you get for yourself when you don’t understand yourself, and others don’t get it either. Dyscalculia isn’t just ‘counting badly’ as Latin root suggests, it’s way more than that.
I’m still figuring it out. But this time, I don’t dash off to the toilet when it gets hard.
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