Alia- My Dyscalculia Story

I stumbled upon the need for a dyscalculia story from adults, I didn’t have much time to write mine…But I hope it helps you… I want to tell my story. I just don’t know how… but here is my story.

Growing up I was told that learning how to swim was easy, I could be exposed to the water as I aged, acclimate to the idea of the meaning of staying afloat for survival and as I moved on in skill level I’d know how to doggy paddle and soon have the strength to keep myself alive in a large body of water.

I felt like math was the same in this aspect, I knew about it, it was everywhere and I was always told the importance of it. But the thought of when I’d need it never occurred to me. Why learn how to swim if I wasn’t going to the pool every day? What was the importance of understanding the breaststroke or the doggy paddle and the steps needed for floating or if I was in danger how to help myself?

Elementary always felt like a blur, both with the fact I grew up in leg braces, so I couldn’t swim at all during the summers, and that all my extracurricular activities were math tutoring and my electives were replaced by intermediate computer programs that were supposed to help me, but yet I was still having heart palpitations when I was expected to solve my multiplication tables in a minute, guess what dad I got to three times five equals fifteen ( still today as a 27 year old I have to use my fingers to check if I am right) and I was proud but still was told I wasn’t doing enough. I passed by the skin of my teeth and was given the pass only because my teacher felt bad for me and slipped me a calculator during my final.

That kindness was my saving grace allowing me to follow my friends into the sixth grade in middle school.

Just like swimming my math ability was mediocre I wasn’t amazing, but I made it by, I felt my heart break when I was denied entry to the opportunity to take Biology in eighth grade, and I was showed kindness again when I was allowed to take the Biology textbooks home and could do extra credit assignments in the low-level science classes my math scores forced me to be in.  Looking back it’s like being six foot tall, able to stand in the deep end of the pool with no issues, but because I don’t know the basics I’m forced to sit in the shallow end bored, and hopeless to any enrichment in my environment.

High school was the final smack to the face, I finally saw the importance of learning how to swim. However when I understood it the most was when I was expected to perform Olympic-level swimming with a basic level background. I felt as though every exam I needed to take for my graduation requirement was like being thrown into the water to thrash around, and left under the water for a few seconds and they’d only pull me out when I showed signs of drowning. Only to find out I’d be a few questions away from passing these exams that I clawed my way out of with no proof of my tenacity.

For a year before dropping out of high school my school schedule as a senior was from seven in the morning to six in the afternoon. I learned nothing but math, my brain would hurt, and my body would ache. After a month I quit eating, all I could think about was staying in the Math classroom during lunch and finishing assignments I failed or taking extra credit to bring my grade up, after two months I lost hair, I lost skin around my feet from scratching the skin off, and I lost so much weight it couldn’t be too bad at least I looked good in my bathing suit that it’d never use, But I studied I still had my chin above the water. Jumping to a year where I fell deep in the water, I had to go to the hospital and discovered I starved myself from stress and burned a hole in my stomach from stress, I tried so hard and when I felt I was at the bottom of the pool I made a plan to ask for help finally.

Recovering and going back to school, I asked plenty of people for help, using data and having proof that the days I missed were from stress and that something was wrong. I needed something. But instead of help I got pushed away and told I needed to try harder. That planning for Ninth-grade orientation was more important than filing paperwork out for an evaluation for a learning disability.
I hardened myself from the rejection of a floatation device and dropped out, leaving the pool that was taking the air from my lungs and found an online high school I finished and still found out as an adult that my struggles left high school and went into the adult world.

Seven jobs a year later that required number sense, and a depressive slump later I was helped by Vocational Rehabilitation where I discovered from assessments that I have ADHD, Autism, and a Specific learning disability in mathematics.
Knowing I needed a floatation device and that I wasn’t lying felt liberating to the torture I felt, The healing process from the trauma could begin the flashbacks of what-ifs, the voices of doubt, the crushing feeling of failure, and watching my classmates wear their caps and gowns and walk on that stage and the pride they took from my parents eyes.

Currently, I’m reliving it in college, I failed my math exams multiple times in almost 3 years. 

The pride will be taken away from other parents, partners and family if we don’t show awareness. I want to become a teacher to help those like me, to save them from my trauma and my pain.

My story isn’t over, and I will continue to claw my way. But I pray my pain Illuminates the path for others to tread. I didn’t get my flotation devices, But I will fight for others to get theirs no matter the pain I go through. 

To read more stories from amazing adults with dyscalculia look at our blog section here – https://dyscalculianetwork.com/insights-events/adult/